Darkness.

We have to admit that at some point in our life we are immersed in darkness. That something so horrible and tragic will come our way. It's only life that these things come our way. You may be thinking "What does this 17 year old girl think hard is?" or "What has she been through?". Well I come to you this evening to tell you I have witnessed a lot of darkness in my life.

The very biggest for me has been in this past year, not long ago. My cousin was murdered brutally and without mercy. There was no saving grace about it, nothingness is what we were left with.

Allow me to be transparent.

When I had gotten home from school and my brother told me that my mom and dad were at my aunt's house because Jennifer had been killed in a fire the night before, I was completely shocked. You never think this would happen in your family. I called into work and immediately went in my room and cried and cried and cried. It was dark, so dark. I couldn't fully comprehend what had happened. How could this happen? I proceeded to ask God why, and there is nothing wrong with that. I went to my aunt's house later that evening and the spirit in the air was nothing but worse. The next two weeks were dark. Waiting for an autopsy, watching the news night after night. Hearing rumors from all of her friends of what might have happened. When we got the report it wasn't good. More darkness. I thought to myself, "God, can it possibly get any darker?", And it did. The worst part of it all was carrying my cousin to her final resting place. I had to CARRY her to her grave. It was the hardest and saddest thing I have ever done in my life. It was one thing to see her casket, but to carry it?

It's still dark. It has gotten brighter, but it is still dark. We can't ever understand why these things happen. Are they consequences? Are they fate? Could it have been stopped? Why her, and why that night? Why so young? Why my family? Is she okay? God, I miss her.

I tell you all of this to tell you that during these times I continued to worship my God. Jeremy reminded me that what the devil takes from you he has to return sevenfold and that my family would come to Christ through this situation. I cling to his cross, and I continue to serve him through the darkest times and the deepest pain. I find a peace, even though it still hurts, I have a peace. He understands my pain and my hurt and this darkness. He took it on for me, and for us. The sadness and void I feel... The pain and the questions, he felt it and he felt it by choice.

You see when the Messiah died on the cross he delivered us (Messiah means deliverer). In his dying moments he felt all of the depression, anxiety, stress, sadness, pain, disease, fear, debt, poverty, and any other negative thing you can think of. And it wasn't forced on him either. He is the KING OF KINGS. He is the Christ. Messiah. Son of God. Jesus. He has power and authority to do anything and everything. If he wanted to be delivered, he could have delivered himself. He could have left us to die and pay the consequences which is hell.

I can't imagine a person who would take the weight of the world. I love my Jesus and I say that with new meaning today. He is the ONLY thing that pulls me through, the only one who has enough love to keep me satisfied.

I don't apologize for speaking of Him so strongly, and I don't apologize for the life I live.

You see, the thing is.. I am a screw up. I am a sinner. I am unworthy. Without Christ that's what I am. But through Him, God sees me as perfect. He sees me as righteous. He loves me unconditionally and with that said I can do nothing less than sell my life out to him. I still mess up but the beautiful thing is HE STILL LOVES ME!! And no matter what darkness you've dealt with, he loves you too. He wants you.