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I have so much to say right now, that I cannot even begin to type it all.


Jesus, please.

Enemies.

Who are your enemies? Is it your mom who neglected you, or is it the friend who stabbed you in the back? It could be paying rent from month to month. Is it the man who murdered your brother, or is it the guy who has it all going for him? Is it your abusive father? Maybe its your lack of education. Is it a disease your living with? Is it the man who raped you? Or is your own worst enemy yourself?

We face many enemies in life whether they be circumstances or people. We can choose to run from these things, try to bury them, or we can embrace them. To most people this sounds absurd. But when you think about it, it makes perfect sense.

All your enemies do is put a stronghold against you. It is an invisible force that is holding you back from living life freely. So from a 17 year old girl who constantly watches people I say take your enemy by the hand and walk with them.

You have to embrace your enemy and deal with it face to face if you want to ever get past it. I do not mean you have to find the man who raped you and walk down the beach with him because that is truly twisted. What I mean is take those extremely tragic circumstances and deal with them. You may be scared to deal with what you feel or say it out loud, but you have to.

Run from your fear of feelings, and heave out your pain. Start talking, blogging, or journaling. Now.

Darkness.

We have to admit that at some point in our life we are immersed in darkness. That something so horrible and tragic will come our way. It's only life that these things come our way. You may be thinking "What does this 17 year old girl think hard is?" or "What has she been through?". Well I come to you this evening to tell you I have witnessed a lot of darkness in my life.

The very biggest for me has been in this past year, not long ago. My cousin was murdered brutally and without mercy. There was no saving grace about it, nothingness is what we were left with.

Allow me to be transparent.

When I had gotten home from school and my brother told me that my mom and dad were at my aunt's house because Jennifer had been killed in a fire the night before, I was completely shocked. You never think this would happen in your family. I called into work and immediately went in my room and cried and cried and cried. It was dark, so dark. I couldn't fully comprehend what had happened. How could this happen? I proceeded to ask God why, and there is nothing wrong with that. I went to my aunt's house later that evening and the spirit in the air was nothing but worse. The next two weeks were dark. Waiting for an autopsy, watching the news night after night. Hearing rumors from all of her friends of what might have happened. When we got the report it wasn't good. More darkness. I thought to myself, "God, can it possibly get any darker?", And it did. The worst part of it all was carrying my cousin to her final resting place. I had to CARRY her to her grave. It was the hardest and saddest thing I have ever done in my life. It was one thing to see her casket, but to carry it?

It's still dark. It has gotten brighter, but it is still dark. We can't ever understand why these things happen. Are they consequences? Are they fate? Could it have been stopped? Why her, and why that night? Why so young? Why my family? Is she okay? God, I miss her.

I tell you all of this to tell you that during these times I continued to worship my God. Jeremy reminded me that what the devil takes from you he has to return sevenfold and that my family would come to Christ through this situation. I cling to his cross, and I continue to serve him through the darkest times and the deepest pain. I find a peace, even though it still hurts, I have a peace. He understands my pain and my hurt and this darkness. He took it on for me, and for us. The sadness and void I feel... The pain and the questions, he felt it and he felt it by choice.

You see when the Messiah died on the cross he delivered us (Messiah means deliverer). In his dying moments he felt all of the depression, anxiety, stress, sadness, pain, disease, fear, debt, poverty, and any other negative thing you can think of. And it wasn't forced on him either. He is the KING OF KINGS. He is the Christ. Messiah. Son of God. Jesus. He has power and authority to do anything and everything. If he wanted to be delivered, he could have delivered himself. He could have left us to die and pay the consequences which is hell.

I can't imagine a person who would take the weight of the world. I love my Jesus and I say that with new meaning today. He is the ONLY thing that pulls me through, the only one who has enough love to keep me satisfied.

I don't apologize for speaking of Him so strongly, and I don't apologize for the life I live.

You see, the thing is.. I am a screw up. I am a sinner. I am unworthy. Without Christ that's what I am. But through Him, God sees me as perfect. He sees me as righteous. He loves me unconditionally and with that said I can do nothing less than sell my life out to him. I still mess up but the beautiful thing is HE STILL LOVES ME!! And no matter what darkness you've dealt with, he loves you too. He wants you.

DREAMING.

Okay, i am writing this at 5:00 AM because i woke up and i don't want to forget any details if i go back to sleep and wait until later. So i have been praying continuously for heavenly and supernatural dreams ever since Youth America. And on July 25th in my journal i wrote:

 

"God I'm seeking you. -Today i began praying for supernatural things, dreams, passion, and fear for God.

I am totally in love with my Savior.

*dreams, spiritual gifts, supernatural things."

Sine then i have remained in a prayerful thought about all of these things i am seeking.

Last night i watched this Seven Signs of the Apocalypse show with my mom, which we always watch shows like that just about every week so it wasn't unusual or anything. I went to bed at about 11 PM, very worn out. Then the dreaming began..

We were at church (church of the harvest) i remember some people being there.. derek wilson for sure, erika and shane, my family, probably just the usual MWC people. And church was the same as always except worship.. During worship i got down on my face by the stage, Derek was next to me on his face praying as well and i just had this amazing vision of end times. It was so extremely clear that the vision was about Derek. He had a painting and it was of 3 horses. I believe it is of the ones in Chapter six in Revelation, but I'm not sure.. i was paying more attention to the voice it said something like "You will warn them, so they can be ready." It carried on saying things like that but not for a very long time.. then i started praying over Derek speaking and praying these things over him. For some reason, two ladies, i had never seen in my life, came up and told me to hush (at 2 different times) they told me to keep quiet.

So of course, when i woke up i had to come write. (:

But, when i woke up from this dream.. I had this painfully sharp urgency in my heart, like i have never ever had before.  I have always prayed for this urgency but only when the time was right. I had the feeling in my gut, and i started to pray in tongues, quietly, because my sister was next to me asleep.

This last night has been the best night of my life.. take this post how you want to but let it mean something to you. I love you all, or i wouldn't be asking you to read this. Are you one of the people we're supposed to warn? Do you need to get ready? Because this urgency.. it tells me that the time is coming. Maybe not in the next day, but within the next 30ish years. But it could be in 5 minutes, you never know.

Anyways, there is soooo much more i could write but i would just be rambling on and on.

I love you guys so so so much,

Bethany

WE DON'T CARE

"WE DON'T CARE"
Youth America, Wednesday Night Service

Adam McCain spoke about the sex trade, and in Atlanta it's very very primitive. He told a story about how this lady spent all this money buying ghettos in downtown atlanta and fixed them up for single mothers and one night she was out doing something by one of the houses, just checkin up on stuff and a guy came running out of the house screaming to call 911 and repeatedly telling her to NOT go inside. She went inside and saw 10 young girls chained to the wall who were left there to die because the men who were selling them thought the FBI was onto them. 10 poor innocent girls, young, kidnapped, abused and raped for absolutely no reason but PURE evil.

He also spoke about the CUTTERS. The DEPRESSED. The people struggling with HOMOSEXUALITY. The BRUISED and BROKEN. The OPRESSED. The LONELY. The "WEIRDOS". The ones with EATING DISORDERS. The SUICIDAL. The MOLESTED. He spoke so intensely and shared (edited) footage of people who had posted things on youtube of HURTNG themselves because of pain. It really just stirred EVERY person in the room and back to the good samaritan, he brought in the point that the first two guys to walk by DIDN'T CARE. He said "We have become the cutters and the depressed, we have become them because we arent HELPING them." And it really broke my heart because its SO true. We really don't care. We say we do with our mouth, but we are soo selfish with our actions. If we are not truly getting OUT of our comfort zone, and I mean being a nervous wreck and TRULY humilating ourselves before GOD then what are we REALLY doing? Are we truly making a difference? Or are we being selfish? Well guess what...

I DO CARE.

I care, and so does God. So does hippy(ism). So does Church of the Harvest. Every single person struggles and has problems and PAIN and hurt in their life. We aren't scared to show you that we hurt too.

I love you guys with ALL of my heart and ALL of my being. I can't even stress it enough to you how much i care and how many tears i shed for you. This love, this whole God thing.. it's REAL. It's alive in me, and it can be in you as well. There are no rules and there is NO religion involved in TRUE Christianity. Talk to me, I am absolutely MORE than happy to share.

Breathe.

I just want to write an encouraging blog tonight. I sit here and listen to Paramore and it just makes me feel better. This song always gets me. It says "Breathe for love tomorrow because theres no hope for today." I mean, wow. Even if you feel like you don't have hope for today there is tomorrow! Most of us are healthy and will get the chance to live another day. I don't know how many people read this, if any at all, but if you are going through something right now I just want you to have hope. Jesus has given me so much, and even when I feel like nothing is changing or that there is no hope for the things I pray for, He proves me wrong. I just keep praying and hoping for the things that I know that HE has put on my heart. So so soo much has been going on in my life lately and it has made it really hard to endure. I've had a rough patch, and just a lot of drama. It has been extremely hard on me spiritually, physically, and mentally.

For some reason I keep getting negative comments about myself from people and about my friends. I see this as a test of faith. I'm honestly getting verrry frustrated at all of this. It has effected my life in every way. I just keep going and going and I will NOT stop. I know that people cannot see what God tells me. Heck, sometimes I can't see what he is telling me. But I can't make it anymore clear than this:

God has set these people on my heart. As Christians they are on all of our hearts. But it goes much much deeper than that with me. God has put a since of desperation over me for these people. I can't stop reaching out and loving and building relationships with them even if I wanted too. It's much farther beyond that. And as much as it kills me at points, as much as it breaks me down, I hand that to God and realize that he is soo much stronger and that in the end this is what I am to do. I don't water anything down with anyone, I get real. I'm not scared to have flaws in front of them for fear that they wont want Jesus because I am not perfect. As a matter of fact, they accept him even more so when they see my screw up and acknowledge it and change it.

Now i'm just rambling so sorry, lol. But I really had to get all of that off my chest.

Please spread my blog

Love,

Bevinn

Divine Love.

I watch a thing with my parents not long ago from the Chris Tomlin indescribable tour. It was utterly amazing, they showed pictures of the universe and described how far away they are and just how TINY we are. On Easter at church they played Yellow by Coldplay and showed pictures of the universe and woooowww! I guess it has been a very humbling road seeing how absolutely small we are and how HUUUUGE God must be. In the bible there is a divine love story, like none no one else but God could ever tell. It's the story about Jesus and when I add in the fact of just how small our little earth really really is it makes me realize just how much God loves us.